Run after me!

“If he doesn’t chase you when you walk away. Keep walking.”

I don’t let guys in. I keep them at a distance and I'll admit that I am pretty picky when it comes to guys. If he gives me too much attention I feel claustrophobic and run away. But when I run I don’t want them to chase me. Then there are the few guys in my life that I have liked and continued liking, the ones that haven’t made me claustrophobic, these are the guys that play my game. They don’t over do it, in fact they give me too little attention, but by that point I am too hooked to let it go. Recently there has been one such guy, I knew that nothing official was going on between us but I didn’t think that it meant nothing was going on between us. We would talk fairly often, maybe not often to some, but enough and we would see each other on a weekly basis. Now I have just found out that I am not the only girl. I guess at the back of my mind I always suspected that I wasn’t the only girl but I hoped that the others didn’t mean anything. I guess I was wrong. I was one of many and didn’t mean anything. As much as it hurts and as much as I want to almost pretend I don’t know I have to confront the issue and move forth with my life.

“People have been saying that you just hook up with every girl and that you are such a player and there is nothing wrong with that because there was never anything official or exclusive about us, but im not the type of girl that likes to be one of many. I have been that girl too many times before. So, before I get more invested in this I am going to bow out."

Then I'll walk away and even though my heart will be begging you to follow me, chase me and fight for me, I know you won't.

I know everything will get better eventually. This will pass. It’s just that the waiting for it to pass isn’t going to be easy. I’m worth more than I settled for. Everyone is worth more than that.

“Somewhere between heartaches and waiting, comes the chance to be found by someone who can show you that you don’t have to just be an option, but an only choice.”

Food for thought:

"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?" - John Green.

"I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might find someone who was exactly right for you. Not because they are perfect, or because you are, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to be hinged together."

I carry your heart with me

[I carry it in my heart]

I am never without it

[Anywhere i go, you go, my dear]

-ee. cummings.

"Imagine: a part of you is my heart and so a part of you will always be with me and because it will always be yours, it will always want to go back to its original owner, which is why it starts beating really hard when i see you. My heart wants to jump from my chest and back to you."

"Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right."

"Don't forget to stay true to who you are always."

"Some people are meant to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together."

"I run away from you because sometimes i just want to know if you would follow."

"How did you do that?

With a smile and a glance you rearranged my life."

"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things." - Henry Ward Beecher

"love makes you hold onto things you shouldn't, but who are we to know any better."

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before you she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you arn't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know it when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - Bob Marley

"I don't have a problem finding s boy my problem is finding THE boy."

"In a relationship the power lies with the person who cares least."

Life's Natural Highs:

Falling in love

Hearing your favorite song on the radio

Lying in bed listening to rain outside

Bubble baths

Giggling

Long conversations at night

Lazing on the beach

Running through sprinklers

Laughing at an inside joke

Laughing at yourself

Laughing so hard your stomach hurts

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all

Friends

Having someone tell you that you're beautiful

"Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for someone else"

"I deserve more, but i don't want it. All i want is you."

"You must do the thing which you think you cannot" - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Sometimes when we want something really bad, we lose sight of what it really is."

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."

"It's sweet when someone knows every detail about you. Not because you keep on reminding them, but because they pay attention."

"It's the things in common that make a relationship enjoyable, but it's the little differences that make them interesting."

"It's your friends who make your world."

"You are what i never knew I always wanted."

"Time is not measured in the passing of years but by what one does, what one feels and what one achieves."

"Not because it's better than nothing but because its better than everything."

"Most people run because deep down they want to be chased."

"Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."

"You don't know what you're alive for until you know what you would die for."

"There are two reasons why people change:

one: They have learned alot.

two: They have been hurt too much."

"The heart is a muscle, and what do muscles do when they are torn? They grow back stronger."

"Live beautifully. Dream passionately. Love Completely."

"Remember, you're beautiful. But keep in mind that not everyone's gonna be able to see that."

"Never apologize for saying what you feel. Thats like saying sorry for being real."

"Everyone keeps telling us that dreams come true but they forget to tell us that sometimes something is simply not meant to be."

"Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other, you could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and they won't judge you... this person is your soulmate, you best friend... don't ever let them go."

"Fate only takes you up to a certain point then it's up to you to make it happen."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate them then they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marliyn Monroe.

"The most beautiful discovery that true friends make is that they can grow seperately without growing apart."

"When you want something you have never had you have to do something you have never done."

"Sometimes i think a soulmate is someone who will make you be the most be - you- that you can possibly be. "

While i should be studying...

I am just about to enter the worst week of my life and it would probably make everything better if I started studying already, but I gotta give myself a break sometimes, I have only just finished writing an exam.It has come to my attention that every time exams arrive all I can think about is pretty much everything except exams. I think about everything I want to and will be able to do when exams are finally over and although it makes exams seem more gloomy and terrible it does make the finishing of exams that much more exciting.

So, these are just a couple of the thoughts that have been consuming my brain since the beginning of exams.

And Andrea, don't worry, I have been doing plenty of studying and all my exams have gone well thus far and I promise to dedicate the rest of my weekend to being a mole and studying 24/7.

People just don't visit the forest anymore. When exams are done I am going to the forest in a pretty dress to smell the fresh air and walk on the pine needles. It has been way too long since I last did that.

I want to go to a place that is bustling with great people and good loud music and then I want to dance. Ill even bring out my best alphabet moves. I miss going out. I have been counting down the days till I can go out again.

I have come to realize that people do not go on picnics anymore. Picnics are a wonderful creation and a perfect pass time especially when one isn't writing exams. So as soon as exams are done I am going to organize a picnic. It just needs to be done. Although this seems to resemble camping I want to go on a picnic just like this.

I really want to go on an island vacation. Somewhere sunny and warm with blue sea that isn't infested with sharks so I can put on my flippers and snorkel. Somewhere that looks like this:

Although this is not something that I can do as soon as exams are over it is something that has caught my attention while I should have been studying. I have always found homes to be particularly intriguing. I love looking at all different types of houses wondering how I could incorporate all the things I love about each house in the house that I want to live in one day. These are a few that caught my attention:

I cant say that I want my house to be brightly coloured as such I just think it's cute and had to put the photo up.

This loft apartment looks like a dream. It's cosy with a touch of beach style. I love the layout and the size. Not too big and not too small. if I were living by myself or with a friend this place would definitely be my ultimate.

On the topic of houses Andrea and I decided that as soon as we can afford it we are going to buy this very cute, white, thatched house right on the beach in kommetjie. The perfect place for us. In our house we are going to have a chandelier, a glass fridge (that is a fridge for glasses), a towel oven, DSTV, the most amazing bed couches that i found at this shop in tokai, a balcony, white washed furniture, vogue magazines everywhere. All we have to do is win the lottery. Shouldn't be too difficult.

Although we have already found our perfect beach house these are others I found that caught my attention.

With the matric dance less that a month away I have had to do a lot of thinking about what I really want. I am still more unorganized than any other girl in my class, however, I have my partner. The dress has been causing problems. the material is brought and beautiful but the dress maker has yet to be found. Just the other day while I should have been studying I stumbled across this dress and it was captivating. I am strongly considering this dress as my design although my hair I must admit will be differently styled.

I have been longing to get on a surfboard for a while now. Although surfing is not my gift in life it still doesn't take away the fact that it is so much fun and the feeling of standing on a board that is moving because of a beautiful wave makes it all the more exhilarating.

I have been dreaming of the possibility of winter in New York with Andrea. The potential of going on an adventure to pretty much one of the most exciting places in the world with the coolest person (don't tell her i said that though, she gets all big headed and stuff). Snow and ice-skating in the open like they do on gossip girl, shopping and taxi's and Central Park and maybe the Empire State building, now that would be cool!

So, the last picture may not have been taken in New York but I really love the snow. I want snow. That is all.

Exams result in stress and a large amount of eating and self loathing (well at least that applies to me) and with summer creeping in everyone is beginning their diet and exercise routine so they are not forced to hide behind clothes all summer and can get out on the beach in a costume and not worry about what people might say or think (this is if you care about what people think of you as admittedly I pathetically do). In an attempt to find some inspiring photo that will make me drop the biscuit and jump on the treadmill I found this woman. I think she is only just about the most beautiful woman in the world and i want to look just like her. PLEASE!!!

I miss the beach, it doesn't even have to be a nice day on the beach I simply miss the sound of the waves crashing on the sand, the wind surrounding the beach. I miss the sand between my toes and the smell of the salty air. I miss kommetjie, I just want my granny to get back already so that I can go there and walk on the beach or just sit there for hours thinking about everything and nothing at all. I want to dance like these girls on the beach without a care in the world. I want to witness a sunset up close as well as a sunrise without having slept in between. I want to go to the beach with the girls to do nothing but read magazines and bask in the sunlight.

When one isn't busy writing exams they have the time and freedom to read books, lots of different kinds of books. I want to be able to buy a book that gets me excited, one that makes me want to spend entire days reading and thats ok because I can do that. There is no other pressing matter of my agenda that I have to deal with pronto. I want books and hundreds of them. Books that make me cry, books that make me laugh books that make me scared, books that teach me something or simply a book that turns my day right around.